Pick up

We are pleased to have partnered up with Little Earth, a children’s store here in Vancouver to offer a Pick up option.

Orders will be brought to the store once a week, by 12pm on Wednesdays.

Little Earth is open Monday-Sunday 10-6.

Click Here to visit their store and view a Map.

The Address is:
1020 Commercial Drive, Vancouver
Telephone: 778 737 7004  (please note, they are not affiliated with us, and can not answer questions about our products or ordering).

Post Partum Resources

We will be adding to this page as much as possible, however if there are any resources that we have left out, or that you think would be helpful, we would love to add them!
Please pop us an e-mail at: info@mamagoddess.ca

Canadian Postpartum Resources

Castlegar, BC : The Mom’s Support Group of Castlegar Community Services, contact Sandi McCreight at 250-365-7678

Halton area, ON : Moms Supporting Moms PPMD Support Group at Our Lady of Victory School in Milton, Thursday evenings, contact Halton Region at 905-825-6000, ext. 2927 or TTY 905-827-9833

Moose Jaw, SK: Postpartum Support Group at KidsFirst in Moose Jaw; contact Carla at info@thesmilingmask.com

Regina, SK:Postpartum Support Group at the YMCA of Regina, contact Sally Elliott at 306-757-9622 × 242

Sarnia-Lambdon area, ON: Postpartum Adjustment Program, click here for more info

Sunshine Coast, BC:“Mama2Mama”;http://www.mamalove.org/resources.htm offers an online forum and support groups, visit www.mamalove.org for details on times and locations of groups

Toronto:Perinatal Mental Health Program at Mt. Sinai Hospital, Toronto, Dr. Ariel Dalfen

Vancouver: The Pacific Post Partum Support Society offers telephone support, weekly support groups and more, visit www.postpartum.org or call 604-255-7999 for times and locations of groups.

Reproductive Mental Health Program at St. Paul’s Hospital and BC Women’s, Vancouver.

On-line Resources:
The PPD on-line support web-site
Mother Reach

Sibling prep-I Don't Want To Be Big!

*By Dr. Susan Bartell
When Jamie was born, Matthew was three and a half years old. He was thrilled to be a big brother and seemed to take to the role naturally. He loved to help feed, bathe and dress Jamie. He even tried his hand at diapering once in a while! Debbie and Ken, Matthew’s parents, were relieved that he had adjusted so easily, and offered him frequent praise for being “such a big boy” and “a terrific big brother.” Everything seemed to be going along wonderfully. And then all of a sudden, when Jamie was three months old, Matthew began to give his parents a really hard time about going to sleep and staying asleep. He also began having toileting accidents and real difficulty separating from his mom and dad. Matthew also became cranky and disobedient, an unpleasant trait that they’d never really seen before. Debbie and Ken were puzzled and upset by his behavior because until now they’d never had any problems with him.
What they didn’t realize was that Matthew’s behavior was actually quite typical for a young child who is adjusting to having a new sibling. But why was it three months before the problem behaviors showed up? An understanding of the behaviors and what triggered them will give us some insight into Matthew’s situation.
Understanding the behaviors
Sleeping, toileting and separating are all behaviors that Matthew had successfully mastered. They are also behaviors that require a great deal of parental involvement before a child has been able to achieve success. So let’s think, for a minute, about Matthew’s regression in these areas. A child who has trouble going to sleep or staying asleep will require his parents to spend extra time at bedtime and then periodically during the night as well, in order to help him (and themselves) make it to morning without being up the entire night. A child who starts to have toileting accidents will of course, require his parents to clean him up and change his wet or soiled clothes. It may also be difficult to leave him in someone else’s care unless that person can be expected to do the “dirty work.” And if a child has significant difficulty separating, either mom or dad will always have to be available to take care of him. Lastly, disobedient and acting out behavior will require constant reprimands by his parents.
By now you probably see the thread linking all these behaviors. They are a way for the older child to ensure that he will not “lose” his parents to the new baby. He has somehow figured out that if he becomes less independent and more babyish, or even badly behaved, they will need to give him at least as much time and attention as they give the baby. It does sort of make sense, doesn’t it? The baby is in diapers, waking up all night and staying with mom and dad most of the time. In other words, independent behaviors are often not seen as a virtue by an insecure older sibling because they signal a potential loss of attention from his parents. This is generally the cause for the regression in developmental milestones frequently seen in new big brothers and sisters. In fact from a young child’s point of view, sometimes even being reprimanded for negative behavior is better than receiving no attention at all.
A parent’s point of view Parents use milestones such a toileting, sleeping and separating to determine how their child is growing up. They compare his achievements today with what he was like last month, and they also compare him to all the other kids in his class or playgroup (c’mon admit it, we’ve all done it!) So when we see a behavior start to “slip” after it has been mastered, it can be somewhat worrisome. With a new baby to care for, not to mention the exhaustion and stress, it can also be very annoying and aggravating to feel that you’re back at the beginning of a path you thought you’d traveled to the end. So along with the worry, many a parent has been known to express exasperation and impatience with a child when he wakes up for the third time that night or comes home from school in his “spare clothes” after having had a toileting accident.
You’re such a terrific big brother!”
Aside from exasperation and impatience, many parents try to address the regression by reminding their child that he is “such a big boy” (or girl, of course), “not a baby anymore” and “so grown-up”, as if to say “big boys and girls don’t have these problems” so neither should you. And in fact, parents often suddenly think of their older child (who was just a baby himself a few weeks ago) as big when they compare him to the new baby. But here’s the rub. By saying these things parents may actually prolong the regressive behaviors without realizing it. If the child is trying to get attention by being a baby, telling him “big boys” use the toilet, go to sleep at night alone, or go to school without crying, will only confirm that he’s right not to be doing these things any more.
Is it okay to compliment a “big brother” if he’s not regressing?
Sometimes parents talk about how proud they are of their “big boy”, telling friends what a wonderful big brother he is and how helpful he has been with the baby. Then all of a sudden, it could be months down the road, his behavior starts to deteriorate or he begins to show signs of regression in one or more areas. Your otherwise cooperative, pleasant child is now having tantrums, behaving badly and may also be having some of the other difficulties we’ve been discussing. I’m sure you’re recognizing Matthew (or maybe your own child) in this description. So, what’s going on? Sweet, brotherly Matthew has suddenly realized that just about the only way he gets attention these days is by being the big brother, and he doesn’t like it anymore. So what seems like all of a sudden to his parents, he figures out other ways to get attention for himself that don’t involve being a big brother. In fact they don’t involve being big at all! As you can see, constant praise for being a wonderful big sister or brother can be another trigger that can cause regressive behaviors. And all this time you thought you were doing something good by complimenting his skill and caring for the baby.
So how do I know what to do and when to do it? Of course, not all children will have a negative reaction to being praised for being a terrific big sister or brother. In fact some will thrive on it. Furthermore, as you can see from Matthew, some children will like it at first and then get fed up with it later. The key is to pay very close attention to your child’s behaviors. If you see signs of regression in milestones or consistent changes in mood or personality it is worth asking yourself what might be going on that could be causing these changes. Perhaps you need to look closely at your interactions with your child because regression and big shifts in behavior are hallmark symptoms that some kind of sibling rivalry has kicked in, and is really eating away at the big sister or brother. Usually, all it takes is an adjustment in the amount and type of attention you give to your child.
-Focus on your child’s individual achievements and how special he is.
-Don’t focus only on his skill as a big brother.

-If you want to encourage brotherly or sisterly behavior, do so gently without forcing it on the child.

-If you see signs of regression in any skills that had been mastered, try and pay even closer attention to the interactions between you and your child.

-Try to be as patient as possible with your child. If you are aggravated and short with him, it will confirm his worst fear, which is that you favor the baby.

-Spend some “special time” alone with your older child. Even fifteen minutes a day can help him feel you value him and you don’t want to be with the baby all the time (this goes for mom and dad.)
You’d be surprised how clearly kids can tell us what they need, and how resilient they can be when we are able to figure out how to meet their needs in the best way possible.

Postpartum Care

Taking Care of Mom after Baby Arrives
From the Expectant Mothers Guide web-site

Many women approach motherhood with a sense of wonderment and cautious optimism. What kind of mother will I be? What kind of baby will I have? How will my life change? Will I be a good mother? Some women try to prepare for these new changes by loading up on educational materials, seminars, self-help books or informal dialogues with helpful friends and neighbors.

Surely, any new mother would agree that there are countless things to worry about, obsess over, or otherwise preoccupy your thoughts. But in the few weeks and months after giving birth, there is one imperative that stands out among the rest. No matter what else you do, no matter how hard you try to prepare and do your best — the very best thing you can do for your baby at this time is to take care of yourself. This is not simply a matter of indulgence or, “If I have time, I’ll do such and such for myself.” It is an absolute necessity.

The postpartum period is a time in a women’s life when she is most vulnerable to emotional illness. Failure to take care of yourself adequately can create the perfect opportunity for serious depression to set in. Mothers don’t spend enough time thinking about how they feel. Understandably, most of your spare energy goes toward caring for your baby. But the facts are clear: if you take care of yourself, you will strengthen the resources that will enable you to take better care of your baby.

Some guidelines for the first few weeks after birth may appear very obvious, but many women have difficulty giving themselves permission to make their needs a priority.

1. Nurture the nurturer — It can feel wonderful if you pamper yourself a little. Do whatever it takes —a manicure, pizza, long-distance phone call, haircut, a good book, etc. You will never find a better excuse to indulge in self-absorbed and, perhaps, frivolous projects. (Remember, if you feel guilty about this, you will be defeating the purpose.)

2. Sleep — If your baby is getting you up at night, it is especially important for you to find time to rest during the day. That means when your baby naps, you do not do the laundry or clean the floor. If you can’t sleep, lie down on the couch, close your eyes and try to relax. Your body needs time to recharge, especially if you are not sleeping well at night.

3. Eat nutritiously — How many times have you heard this? From your doctor, or your mother, perhaps? Eating well is one of the best ways to fortify your resources. This is especially important if you are breastfeeding. Many new mothers are worried about excessive weight gained during pregnancy and may be preoccupied with how they can reduce in the early postpartum months. This may need to be postponed for a while until you are feeling stronger. Don’t forget to watch out for excessive amounts of high-sugar snacks and caffeine. Both can cause you to feel jittery and anxious.

4. Exercise moderately — Try to get out and walk if you aren’t interested in regular aerobic activity. The fresh air will feel wonderful, and the exercise will help keep you in shape and feeling good.

5. Stay in touch with friends — Spend time with family and friends. Try to maximize the time you spend with people who will support you and help you out if necessary. Isolation can increase feelings of loneliness and depression — try to stay connected with important relationships.

Here are some additional tips:

1. Turn on your answering machine and leave it on for a while. This is a wonderful way to screen callers and decide who you are in the mood to talk to and who you can call back later, especially if you are trying to rest.

2. Your thank you notes can wait. Try not to pressure yourself into thinking that everything has to be done right now. If procrastinating is just not your style, you may have to learn to let go a little bit and realize that some of the things that you want taken care of NOW are just going to have to wait. It may be hard, but it will definitely be worth it.

3. When someone asks what they can do to help — tell them. This is no time to suffer in silence. If someone in your family has offered to assist you in some way, don’t be afraid to tell them exactly what you would like them to do. For instance, maybe a neighbor can watch your older child while you rest with the baby, or your mother-in-law can bring dinner over one night so you don’t have to cook.

4. Learn how to say “no”. Setting limits is not an easy thing to do. But this is not the time to do favors for other people or for others to take advantage of how accommodating you may be. You may find it necessary to say, “Yes, I would love for you to come over and see the baby, but I’m really tired. Maybe we can make plans for another time.”

5. Simplify everything. Laundry can wait. Your bed doesn’t have to be made every day. Take-out dinner is fine. Everything doesn’t have to be 100% perfect. Try to let go of your expectations that everything must be exactly the way it was before the baby. It’s not.

It would be nice if having a baby were as simple and as glorified as we often see it portrayed in the movies. But, alas, welcome to the sometimes exhilarating, always challenging world of dirty diapers and sleepless nights. With the emerging realization that this unfamiliar adventure has to somehow fit neatly into the framework you have put forth, it becomes clear that things are going to have to change.

Giving yourself permission to relax is not a luxury. It is vital to your well-being, and you may be surprised at how wonderful it feels!

Editorial provided by Karen Kleiman, MSW, co-author of “This Isn’t What I Expected: Overcoming Postpartum Depression”, is Clinical Director of The Postpartum Stress Center in Rosemont, Pennsylvania.

Water Birth Supply List and Tips

 

Perineal Healing

By: Nikiah Seeds

There are many natural remedies that you can use following your birth to assist in healing and help relieve discomfort. Our Perineal wash, is a traditional mixture of herbs known to aid in healing of bruised and torn tissue. NOTE: These herbs are not to be taken internally- This is a topical tea only.

METHODS OF USE

First make a strong infusion of your herbs:
Bring two cups of water to a boil then remove from heat and allow to cool slightly (you never want to pour boiling water directly onto your herbs). Pour the water over two heaping teaspoons of the desired combination of herbs and cover tightly. A wide mouth jar or teapot is useful. Allow the mixture to steep for at least one half hour (overnight is best) then strain well. Keep any unused mixture in the refrigerator for up to three days.

Spritz Bottle
Put the undiluted herbal mixture into your peri bottle or a clean spray bottle and keep next to the toilet. Sprtiz the area as needed, especially after urination.

Sitz Bath
Soak the Perineal area in a basin of water with the full two cups of your herbal tea added to an additional 6 to 10 cups of clean water. Use cold water if there is inflammation or swelling. Once that has subsided, experiment with warmer water until you are comfortable. Some women find that very warm water helps encourage blood flow to the area and provide relief, whereas others find the opposite is true for them.

Regular Bath
Add the full two cups of Perineal wash tea to your bath water, or place the herbs in empty tea bags. Toss one in and let it steep. Add epsom salts as desired.

Peri-Bottle
A favorite! This is a plastic squirt bottle (a water bottle with a pop-top can do in a pinch) that can be used to irrigate the Perineal area. This can greatly reduce stinging if used during urination. Dilute the tea by one half with clean water and fill the bottle.

Compress
Soak a washcloth in the cooled mixture and apply to the sore area. Disposable breast pads, soaked and then inserted on top of your sanitary pad, can provide continual contact. Try freezing either the washcloth or pads ahead of time for a cold compress.

This information was put together for you by Stacelynn Caughlan, a Clinical Nutritionist and Certified Herbalist who specialized in Prenatal and Pediatric Health. Stacelynn and Nikiah Seeds, also a certified Herbalist and former owner of Mama Goddess Birth Shop, who have now paired up to offer the web-site Mother and Child Health This site is a fantastic resource for parents.

Natalie's Story

We sisters tell the stories of our moon time, of making love and of birth. We share the passing of our grandmothers, our mothers and our friends. But we keep secret the death of our own babies, which increases the feeling of isolation for other women who think that they are alone. It has become taboo in our culture – This leaves us feeling broken and our loved ones struggling to understand. May we learn to share our stories and in doing so, honour the babies who join us for a short time on this journey and the many women who will follow in our path…

My Babies:

I offer my story to the countless women who have found the courage to share with me their stories of pregnancy loss, to my family who have wiped my tears and accepted my empty gaze, to the friends who have both listened and sat in silence, to the wise women in my life who have brought herbs, rubbed my back, cleaned up blood and trusted the process, to the thousands of women who are silenced by their own loss and most of all to Ekubbo and Kali who have shared with me their wisdom and love.

Ekubbo

Ekubbo was our first baby, he came to us in the spirit of a boy and we cherished his presence for 8 whole weeks. I realized I either had malaria, or was pregnant. I went to the doctor on my own, squatted over an Indian style toilet and was given a small stick with a tiny blue line and a bag of folic acid. I left the clinic in a daze and rode on the back of the boda boda (scooter) with tears flying off my cheeks all the way back to Bujagali. At the time I was living with a friend at the side of the Nile at Bujagali Falls in Uganda. Over the next few weeks I held the baby over each bump in the road, huffed my way up the hill from the Nile each day after my shower and made plans to come home.

But our baby had other plans. The week before I was scheduled to leave, our home was broken into. The next few days were a stressful succession of enraged locals on a lookout for our things, a series of cash bribes to hunt down the boys who had violated our privacy, tearful conversations with locals convincing them not to beat the boys and lengthy arguments at the Jinja police station. Then one day as Rebecca and I were sitting in the police station it all became too much – a man who had been sitting on the floor in handcuffs stood up to reveal the blood dripping down his head. I turned my head out the window and took a few deep breaths, rested my hand over my baby and rushed out of the room – passed the outstretched hands reaching through the jail gates – and felt his spirit leave. I could hear Rebecca behind me as I ran out telling the chief of police to let me be. It was the first time I had ever heard her raise her voice – I will never forget the mother in her, protecting the mother in me.

A few days later, I met with Julius in Kampala and before leaving to take the two hour journey back up to Bujagali, stopped to go to the washroom. I was spotting. Instead of taking the regular matatu (bus) back, I hired a private taxi and prayed the entire way back up to Bujagali, smiling at the nice driver who was interrupting my mantra with his conversation. By the time I was there it was dark, I had severe cramps, intense back pain and was crawling my way to our fly infested, dirt hut of a toilet loosing blood the entire way. Rebecca connected with the women who ran the resort next to us and they gave us a banda (a beautiful hut overlooking the Nile that had a toilet and running water) and came with tea, love and gentle smiles. It was late, there was no doctor in the village, we had no idea what to do and the pain had me rolling around in the bed. I sat on the open-air toilet overlooking the stars at the side of the Nile and felt my baby slide out of me into the water. After that, everything went numb. Friends came in throughout the night to check in and I spent the night watching the storm flash over the Nile and light up the sky – taking my baby up and away…

I don’t remember the flight home at the end of March, or the next few months for that matter. We had a blessingway – the women in my life gathered to honour the baby – we shared stories, prayers and our female lineage “I am Natalie, granddaughter of Alvie, daughter of Cheryl, sister to Annette and mother of Ekubbo” Julius and I decided over the phone to name our baby Ekubbo – meaning ‘path’ in luganda (the local language) He had shown us the need to surrender to the path which had been laid out before us…

I couldn’t do yoga, meditate, pray or look at my empty belly in the mirror. I did everything I could to avoid the painful experience of watching friends struggle for the right thing to say. In April, a friend bought me a plane ticket and dragged me to the 2007 yoga conference in Toronto. I reluctantly rolled out my dusty yoga mat, rolled my gaze up to my disconnected third eye point and decided to face my pain and begin my journey towards healing…

A year went by – mother’s day, the expected due date, all of the reminders that pulled at our hearts. Students and birth clients asked, “Do you have children?” I attended homebirths, water births, and blissful births and supported other women in the gentle welcoming of their own babies. Slowly I began to take in the world again, to listen to conversations instead of just pretend. Ekubbo came to me in rainbows, in the flicker of his blessingway candle and in laughter. And with any challenge that came up, he was right there –“surrender”. Still feeling the very raw pain of loosing my first baby, by the winter of 2008 I began to have visions of a girl. She was very much a part of my life by the time I left for Uganda in July.

Kali

For this baby we prayed. I knew within four days that her spirit had come to us – the women I was with knew, Julius knew. And yet, we knew it would be a few weeks before we found out. Julius and I exchanged smiles – he had a sparkle in his eye, but he didn’t say a thing. I flew home – Waited what seemed like an eternity and then finally took the test. It was too late in Uganda to call Julius, my mom and sister were in Toronto at the time and I didn’t want to surprise my dad all on his own, so I ran to the store to buy another test – just in case – still a baby.

The next few weeks were sacred. We rested in the silence of ‘knowing’. I took time to love myself and my baby and Julius offered his prayers from afar – when the only thing you can share together is prayer you REALLY feel it!

The time seemed to creep past 8wks, 9, then 10. We began to tell family and close friends – everyone had already guessed. 11wks. We both felt the presence of a girl and I began to have visions of kali – the goddess of creation and transformation – eternal mother time. At 12 weeks we celebrated – on the phone, with friends, with family and with god. I could feel my students staring at my growing belly and used all of the courage I could to not tell them. I sent Julius pictures and we laughed together over the phone. I scheduled my second appointment with my midwife, made plans to pick up maternity clothes from a friend, drank herbs and did yoga.

Then at the end of the 12th week, I began to spot. I went to bed and stayed resting for the next few days. However, our baby girl had other plans that would take her spirit away from my body and to her new journey. On Tuesday, after a day with no bleeding, I decided to go vote. When I came home I went to the washroom and found bright red blood. I had a good cry and went to bed repeating a welcoming affirmation for our baby to let her know how much we wanted her to stay, “We welcome and honour you as a part of our family”.

Wednesday was the first day of the 13th week. I had mild cramping on and off throughout the day, but was able to breathe it away and kept myself in bed. It was a beautiful, sunny day, my girlfriend, who was staying with me at the time decided to head downtown and left about 3pm. Shortly after, the cramping became consistent. By 6pm the pain was too much for me to handle on my own – I asked my mom to come from work to sit with me. I needed someone else present to help me from spiraling away from myself instead of into myself. I went to the washroom, stood up, and all of a sudden felt a release as bright red blood splashed all over the bathroom floor. Mom came right at this moment and found me sitting on the toilet in tears, watching the pieces of lining that had supported and nourished our baby empty out into the toilet. By then, I was moving about, moaning and trying to send the sensation out.

She helped me into bed. Kristen came home, lit the blessingway candle for my first baby, turned on my chanting music and sat at the edge of the bed with her hand resting on my leg. I was lying down, wanting so badly to move with the sensation, but avoiding any movement that would create a rush of blood. I called my midwife – it wasn’t until this moment that I accepted the fact that we had lost this baby. Kristen and mom both took turns holding my hand while I rolled around and tried to moan out the pain. I felt as though I was releasing an ocean of blood – down my body into the bed. My midwife was there by 9pm, it was perfect timing because both mom and Kristen were starting to step into fear. It was both a relief and a loss to see her because we had both wanted this moment to come months later with a healthy baby. She suggested I get up and try to release some of the clots to stop the flow of blood. As soon as I got up I felt a weight, sat down on the toilet and tried to relax. My midwife stood right next to me, reminding me to breathe into it – her hands ran down my back encouraging me to let go. She left to get something from her car, mom went downstairs to get more towels and I sat there alone on the toilet still feeling the weight resting inside my body. I closed my eyes, relaxed my pelvic floor and began to birth the last few months, the baby that had become a part of our lives and the home that she had created for herself in my uterus. I sat there with my hands shaking in the toilet bowl holding it all, afraid and not ready to let go. I tried desperately to relax and release the rest that was still hanging from my body. The sensation was extreme, my limbs went numb – I knew I was resisting letting her go, so I leaned forward, placed my hands on the floor to ground myself and repeated over and over, “I Open”. It slid out, my midwife grabbed for a bed pad for me to place it into and I sat there on the toilet with blood running down my fingers in another world.

Once back in bed, I was given herbal tea to stop the bleeding. As soon as I took a sip I sat up, “I’m going to throw up – no, I’m going to faint”. The next thing I remember, I was throwing up all over them, the bed and myself. I went into the shower while they cleaned up the room and sat there at the bottom of the shower, talking to her spirit. I knew there was still something I needed to birth and very slowly began to birth the placenta. I sat there in one corner of the shower, staring at it sitting there across from me with tears and water pouring over my face. As soon as it came out a wave of energy came back and it was over. I got back into my warm, clean bed and began to realize that I had lost another baby, another life, another dream. The first time in the night that I wasn’t overwhelmed with pain, it gave me the space to connect with what had just happened and the tears began to flow.

I’m grateful that it happened at home, by candlelight with the people I love. I painted the next day and stamped the blood from the placenta on a canvas and then put it aside to dry. I lit another candle for this baby and gathered all of the courage I could find to call Julius and tell him we had lost the baby. Together we cried and we prayed – it felt as though he was right there. We named her Kali – Kali represents renewal and change. In order to create, we must also destroy, or release. She is a powerful goddess and gives birth to endless reality.

Now on my altar there are two candles, for my two babies who have taken me on a journey that I didn’t ask for but has brought me closer to truth and through that closer to love.

A friend sent me an email with a quote last week: “I am not ok, you are not ok and that’s ok”. It represents so well the reality of miscarriage, of not needing to forget or rush the healing process – but to have the courage to sit in the darkness for a while. Many people say “you’ll have another baby”, what they don’t realize is that each baby has a spirit and a message of their own that is never filled with another child. Through this journey I have learned that most women know of other women who have lost babies – we may not know her story, but SHE will never forget it.

love + light,

natalie

Breastfeeding as a Spiritual Practice

OOPS—if you were looking for the Recipe click here

This article was written by By Leslie Davis and was first published in Mothering Magazine
Issue 120, September/October 2003.

The Sangha dwells in mindfulness day and night, providing the foundation for us to realize the fruit of meditation.
-Thich Nhat Hanh, Vietnamese Buddhist monk, poet, and peacemaker
Thich Nhat Hanh writes, in his book The Heart of the Buddha’s Teaching, “Sangha is the fourfold community of monks, nuns, laymen, and laywomen, as well as the other elements that support our practice-our cushion, our walking meditation path, the trees, the sky, and the flowers.” In the Buddhist tradition of Thich Nhat Hanh, a sangha is a group of meditation practitioners who sit together in a circle, backs facing one another, eyes facing the wall or the outside of the circle. When I sit meditating in a circle like this, I feel a tremendous strength and energy, as if all of our practicing is holding each other up as we meditate, and then as we go out as individuals to face life and all its challenges.
When my son was born I knew very little about Buddhism, let alone the meaning of the word sangha, but I often likened my nursing to a “practice.” It took such a deep commitment, and often it was such hard work to just sit still. I considered nursing to be my spiritual work. It was my quiet time, my time for solitude and a sweet togetherness with my child. My relationship to nursing had a sinuous path, as spiritual discovery can, but I was motivated by its wonder and pursued its winding course.
I nursed my son from the tender beginnings of skin-on-skin bonding just moments after his slippery entrance into this world, until a few months after his second birthday, when he gracefully weaned himself from my breast. But many, many times it took so much concentration and self-discipline to sit there, just sit there, doing nothing, being still, feeding my baby and waiting for him to finish. I’d fly through the full range of emotions-all, sometimes, within a single nursing session: love, joy, gratitude, serenity, irritation, anger, fear, impatience, selfishness, guilt, hopelessness, despair. I’d fantasize that my body could get up and cook, clean, go to the bathroom, while my nipple stayed there in the chair nursing the baby. I’d stare out the window at people passing by our San Francisco apartment, envious of the fantastic adventures they were living while I was stuck in my chair, ruled by his tiny mouth. While I nursed, I’d return calls, look through mail, and try to keep up with all the details of my life.
After about six months of this, I gave up and gave in. With each day that passed, I saw myself more and more as a mother, as a nursing mother, as a woman devoted to her child and to the importance of breastfeeding. I became an advocate for breastfeeding, trying to encourage it among all my friends and acquaintances. I awoke to the miracle of my milk and this intimate dance of nursing my child. A calmness began to quiet my restless energy, pulling me into the present moment. As Myla Kabat-Zinn says in her book, Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting, “As I felt my milk let down, a wonderful haziness descended on me, and everything else became less important. I let go of the things I had planned to do, and instead let myself be pulled into the present moment, into being totally with my baby. It was a deeply meditative time for both of us.”
One sunny afternoon we were nursing in our “big blue chair” (as we like to call our comfortable rocker), and I realized that I’d never before devoted myself to something so entirely. Of course I’ve devoted myself to my husband, to my family, to friends, to my writing, to mothering, and even to God and other spiritual endeavors at various points in my life. But in that moment I realized that, as a breastfeeding mother, I’d completely given myself to this act of nursing in a way that I never had before. Nothing was more important than nursing my son. Nothing was put before it. There was no procrastination as with exercise, no excuses as with trying to stop eating sugar, no laziness as with housecleaning and other chores. Nursing had to be done, and I did it, over and over again, multiple times a day, for more than 800 days in a row. It was the closest thing to a spiritual practice that I’d ever experienced.
I began practicing deep breathing while I was nursing. Breathing in, I am nursing my lovely baby. Breathing out, I am mother. I tried several hundred variations on this theme: Breathing in, I love my baby. Breathing out, I feel calm. Breathing in, my baby wants milk. Breathing out, milk flows freely.
I wrote nursing haiku. I turned my “nursing corner” into a sacred place by doing such simple things as keeping it clean, putting a flower in a glass of water on my dresser, making sure I had what I needed (pillows, water, etc.) so I could relax and enjoy the precious act of nursing. I spent endless hours watching my son nursing at my breast-the most beautiful sight in the world-but I also spent a lot of time getting to know patterns of light moving across the rooms of our home, the swaying of the birch tree outside our window, the shadows of our camphor tree. I became a lover of sounds-birdsongs, raindrops, traffic, wind, sirens, neighbors talking. All these things were woven into my nursing practice.
In the middle of the night I’d think, As I lie here nursing my babe, thousands of women all over the world are nursing theirs. Especially on those nights when my son wanted to nurse all night long, I’d bring myself back to that joyous vision-in my mind, I’d imagine all of the nursing mothers I knew, each of them awake or half-awake in the middle of the night, nursing their babies. Like a sangha, they were part of my nursing community-they were my air, my sky, my sunshine. Their commitment to their nursing practice made my commitment grow stronger. Their practice made my practice seem easier.
“Take refuge in the Sangha, and you’ll have the wisdom and support you need,” says Thich Nhat Hanh in The Heart of the Buddha’s Teaching. I felt such comfort from my nursing community in the dark of night, even though I was the only woman nursing in our house. In bed, with my son at my breast making his sing-song nursing noises, and my husband’s hand resting on my hip, I was supported in this act, completely loved, and nurturing my child with mother’s milk. Now that I am a practitioner and a member of a meditation sangha, this concept is even more profound to me. Now, when I sit practicing mediation, I feel my body connect with the earth, I feel my breath going in and my breath going out. That full spectrum of emotion washes over me as it did when I sat nursing, so I practice saying hello to my feelings, and practice letting them go so I can just sit, enjoy my breathing, and the comfort and support of my sangha.
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